I Wouldn't Let Them (Part 2)
~Part 2 to my essay on sociological sickness and confusion~
Everything that I did and said was wrong, and I was supposedly annoying...and loud.
Okay, so I was loud…teachers are loud. Certain ones I can hear from outside of the building, yet I was the annoying one. So were their obsessions with bad reality shows, and this was mostly on the job. During lunch breaks (before I utilized them for walks and the nearby deli), I listened to them complain about tanning to reduce their pale complexions (would it have been wrong for me to jump in and say, “I win, I have the most color”), trash talk nonsense, and find out who everyone’s favorite rapper was.
When I was asked who I liked, I told some of them that I’m more into jazz and old school hip hop and old school R&B (Chi’Lites, Earth Wind & Fire, Doug E. Fresh). I didn’t even get a chance to tell them about my top five Metallica songs.
“Wait…she has a college degree, she’s 22/23, and still a virgin? And she’s not into rap? What’s wrong with her?”
I think I was more in shock than they were of me. Some of them even had the audiacity to say dumb things like, “Wait I thought Black women did this and that…”
[Thinking to myself] Am I buggin? Did she used to be a Black woman? How do they know what we do and don’t do? Oh yeah, television!!!
The politics and culture at this place was working the one nerve I had left and it began affecting my performance. I have no problem saying this with all honesty because I had admitted it to my boss when the others tried to rat me out to the management staff. I was called into “the office” one day to talk about my professionalism. The others were louder than me, but I had to control my voice. Saying “ain’t”, even if it was an accidental slip of the tongue, was inappropriate. So, that discussion on gag reflexes in front of two-year-olds is considered normal? I felt like all eyes were on me. Trust was not an option. While enduring the backlash, I became sufficient to myself beyond the field.
There was a child whose first language wasn’t English. Just because I heard a co-worker randomly rant about how they weren’t gonna learn to speak in his tongue, I took it upon myself to learn to communicate with him in his language (Chinese). I would say things to the child in both English and Chinese. While the others thought I was crazy and questioned why I would do such a thing, the parents were very grateful. They acknowledged me every time they came to the school.
One of my bosses verbally recognized my accomplishments and improvement on my professionalism. However, most of these heifers (I’m sorry, co-workers) already compromised my trust and except for janitorial duties, I felt like I wasn’t of much use to them. I said to myself, “They don’t want me here? They can’t accept me like I tried to accept them? No problem!” I began job hunting. I figured even though I didn’t have a degree in childhood education, I have a degree in sociology. I can find social science in anything.
The summary of this whole experience is this: the others didn’t want me there for reasons no one can clarify and they try to get me fired. Instead, I improved myself and was still determined to do the best that I can in an under-appreciated field. When I formally submitted my two weeks notice in, I assumed that the others would be happy that this abnormal Black girl would be leaving…WRONG! They were mad again!
Everything that I did and said was wrong, and I was supposedly annoying...and loud.
Okay, so I was loud…teachers are loud. Certain ones I can hear from outside of the building, yet I was the annoying one. So were their obsessions with bad reality shows, and this was mostly on the job. During lunch breaks (before I utilized them for walks and the nearby deli), I listened to them complain about tanning to reduce their pale complexions (would it have been wrong for me to jump in and say, “I win, I have the most color”), trash talk nonsense, and find out who everyone’s favorite rapper was.
When I was asked who I liked, I told some of them that I’m more into jazz and old school hip hop and old school R&B (Chi’Lites, Earth Wind & Fire, Doug E. Fresh). I didn’t even get a chance to tell them about my top five Metallica songs.
“Wait…she has a college degree, she’s 22/23, and still a virgin? And she’s not into rap? What’s wrong with her?”
I think I was more in shock than they were of me. Some of them even had the audiacity to say dumb things like, “Wait I thought Black women did this and that…”
[Thinking to myself] Am I buggin? Did she used to be a Black woman? How do they know what we do and don’t do? Oh yeah, television!!!
The politics and culture at this place was working the one nerve I had left and it began affecting my performance. I have no problem saying this with all honesty because I had admitted it to my boss when the others tried to rat me out to the management staff. I was called into “the office” one day to talk about my professionalism. The others were louder than me, but I had to control my voice. Saying “ain’t”, even if it was an accidental slip of the tongue, was inappropriate. So, that discussion on gag reflexes in front of two-year-olds is considered normal? I felt like all eyes were on me. Trust was not an option. While enduring the backlash, I became sufficient to myself beyond the field.
There was a child whose first language wasn’t English. Just because I heard a co-worker randomly rant about how they weren’t gonna learn to speak in his tongue, I took it upon myself to learn to communicate with him in his language (Chinese). I would say things to the child in both English and Chinese. While the others thought I was crazy and questioned why I would do such a thing, the parents were very grateful. They acknowledged me every time they came to the school.
One of my bosses verbally recognized my accomplishments and improvement on my professionalism. However, most of these heifers (I’m sorry, co-workers) already compromised my trust and except for janitorial duties, I felt like I wasn’t of much use to them. I said to myself, “They don’t want me here? They can’t accept me like I tried to accept them? No problem!” I began job hunting. I figured even though I didn’t have a degree in childhood education, I have a degree in sociology. I can find social science in anything.
The summary of this whole experience is this: the others didn’t want me there for reasons no one can clarify and they try to get me fired. Instead, I improved myself and was still determined to do the best that I can in an under-appreciated field. When I formally submitted my two weeks notice in, I assumed that the others would be happy that this abnormal Black girl would be leaving…WRONG! They were mad again!
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| Photo courtesy of Madame Noire Magazine. |
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